11/11/11

So it is, I have come to see that my whole life is some sort of careful balancing act. Just waiting for it all to come tumbling down. I always assume the worst, because I know it is coming... Like a beating from my Father and my Brother.

10/21/2011

So, today, I was digging up all of my previous employment from the present all the way back to 1997. So I could apply for a job else where. I discovered that I in the last 14 years I have had 13 jobs. Although I have had a few longer term jobs here and there, the avereage is staggering. Just thinking about the werakage of my life at that moment made me so sick... Some times I think I am chained to this wreakage forever. Then I think I might just get beyond it. Then of course I land here in the middle, and I think, "Jeez, I dunno?" It is these moments that I am scared to death. Will I forever be a wandering loser? Will I find that this big black spot on my lung is cancer? Ya, I am scared to death.

10-15-11

Just for today, I have decided to call this Blog, "Just for today," because some days, I am really upbeat and easy going (the me I'd like to be everyday) Some days I am full of distain for every thinking being within a 200 mile radius, and then there are days where I feel that I am all that is wrong with the world, yep, I am so narcisstic that I almost believe that the entire word has an order except me, that I am the one living thinking thing that destroys it all.

There are days when I hate myself more than Pat, Wendy, or even Melanie.
Then there are days when looking at them makes me feel pity for their hopeless pitiful attempts at boxxing me into their image of me.

Usually though, I couldn't think of them at all.
I am married to a beautiful Woman, and we have a beautiful Daughter.

Yes, I have children with Wendy, but I blew that "position" long, long ago, and Pat, who is ever striving to live my life better than I am, just because he thinks it is his calling, has taken my place there.

So, I consider Pat, Wendy, and the children theirs, and I am some long lost uncle, whom they only have vauge memories of.

So, in this blog, I will post the most personal of thoughts, and feelings, not even my wife will be accessing this, not that I have anything to hide from her, but that way I am less tempted to paint things in light that is inaccurate.

If you're reading this, I really hope you don't know me.
So this is just an introduction.