There is no place for old men like me... I'm sure it's a quote I heard somewhere... There are so many people saying so many things... " All the great themes have been used up and turned into theme parks. I'm sick of being ashamed. I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it. At least pain is real. I mean, you look around and you see nothing is real, but at least the pain is real.Everything decent's been done. All the great themes have been used up. Turned into theme parks. So I don't really find it exactly cheerful to be living in the middle of a totally, like, exhausted decade where there's nothing to look forward to and no one to look up to." 

 God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."



Those are just a couple of my favorite movies...  Fight Club, and Pump up the Volume.

I think they say it all.

Yet another learning experience...08/18/2012

So, it is that in my 40's, I am regretting my 20's. I realize now that in some strainge way, that I ma retarded in my own way... It is only now at age 42 that I am reaching the mental age of 25? I think. My past will always be visitted upon me by those who refuse to allow me become more, and better than I was before. Whether this is because my success would somehow diminish them, or because they simply just can not believe in me is their problem. I am done seeking the approval of those who can not, will not give it, prefering to dangle it before me like a carrot, and I am no one's ass anymore. In all fairness though, I have a lot to do on my end to break a series of cycles that return me to the past. So, I shall work, and work alone, as that is how I do my best work.

11/11/11

So it is, I have come to see that my whole life is some sort of careful balancing act. Just waiting for it all to come tumbling down. I always assume the worst, because I know it is coming... Like a beating from my Father and my Brother.

10/21/2011

So, today, I was digging up all of my previous employment from the present all the way back to 1997. So I could apply for a job else where. I discovered that I in the last 14 years I have had 13 jobs. Although I have had a few longer term jobs here and there, the avereage is staggering. Just thinking about the werakage of my life at that moment made me so sick... Some times I think I am chained to this wreakage forever. Then I think I might just get beyond it. Then of course I land here in the middle, and I think, "Jeez, I dunno?" It is these moments that I am scared to death. Will I forever be a wandering loser? Will I find that this big black spot on my lung is cancer? Ya, I am scared to death.

10-15-11

Just for today, I have decided to call this Blog, "Just for today," because some days, I am really upbeat and easy going (the me I'd like to be everyday) Some days I am full of distain for every thinking being within a 200 mile radius, and then there are days where I feel that I am all that is wrong with the world, yep, I am so narcisstic that I almost believe that the entire word has an order except me, that I am the one living thinking thing that destroys it all.

There are days when I hate myself more than Pat, Wendy, or even Melanie.
Then there are days when looking at them makes me feel pity for their hopeless pitiful attempts at boxxing me into their image of me.

Usually though, I couldn't think of them at all.
I am married to a beautiful Woman, and we have a beautiful Daughter.

Yes, I have children with Wendy, but I blew that "position" long, long ago, and Pat, who is ever striving to live my life better than I am, just because he thinks it is his calling, has taken my place there.

So, I consider Pat, Wendy, and the children theirs, and I am some long lost uncle, whom they only have vauge memories of.

So, in this blog, I will post the most personal of thoughts, and feelings, not even my wife will be accessing this, not that I have anything to hide from her, but that way I am less tempted to paint things in light that is inaccurate.

If you're reading this, I really hope you don't know me.
So this is just an introduction.